The moment I realised that what I believed in was possibly all lies.

I was a devoted muslim (pray 5 times a day, fasting, read the Quran everyday, avoided gossip and so much more). My whole existence was based on the idea of doing enough good deeds in this life so that I would be rewarded in heaven. I wore the scarf by choice (as many muslim girls do) and I loved going to the mosque to listen to lectures and I felt so peaceful.

However, through studying other religions (at school) and doing my own research I gradually came to realise that we muslims may not be the chosen one. It seemed that through all religious beliefs, the people thought they were the chosen ones. I started watching people from other beliefs and realise that they have the same commitments and passion to their religion as I do. Why was I blinded to this all this time, I don’t know?

I think after a whole month I research and analysed different views on Islam, I looked at lectures, debates and I did my own reflection. I found so many contradictions and mistakes in the Quran and I wasn’t sure whether I was happy or sad about it. I had a list of all the things that confused me and all the science that did not come to a good conclusion in the Quran. Throughout these weeks I felt emotions of sadness, happiness, hope and other range of emotions. It eventually led to anger as I came to realise that what I was basing my whole purpose and existence at in life could be all lies! I felt lied to, I felt destroyed and hopeless. Why have I spend all my years believing that Islam was the only religion that led to heaven? What is heaven anyway? Is there heaven and hell? Whats the purpose of life? With one discovery, a building of questions kept me awake at night and sometimes depressed me to the point of crying.

I tried talking to my muslim friends or my siblings but they don’t understand me. I felt like no one really does. I just wanted someone to talk to, someone who is not prejudice to their own belief, someone who does not think that I’m being a sinner for thinking, someone who does not think they have the truth but is actually willing to search for it. But none! At that point in my life (which was when I was 18 years old) I felt the loneliest in my life.